after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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