that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
