Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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