turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
