Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
