morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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