1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
