porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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