I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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