i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
