I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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