the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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