Umm I'm too high to move.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
