the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
