sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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