The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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