I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
