I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD