if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though