i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom