I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
