I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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