Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
