...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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