I will die if light touches me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD