Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
