i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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