he thought i was a dude.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
