remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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