i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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