woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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