I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
