I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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