By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
