i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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