Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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