oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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