I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
