I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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