I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
