How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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