worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
