Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
