I don't usually arrange sex via text message
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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