a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
They have beer where we have blood.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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