i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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