She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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