alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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