Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
