Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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