i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
