She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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