well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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