is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
