there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
