who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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