How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
