so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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