the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there's paper in my vomit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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