Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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