How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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