Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
