If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
third nipple confirmed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
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