I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
