im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
