Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
