i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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